Roz: Hi, can I join you guys?
Niles: Oh.
Daphne: I think someone is coming on to us.
Niles: Someone just can’t leave us alone. [They giggle.]
Roz: Okay, you guys have been doing this for over two weeks. Lay off.
Niles: I thought “laying off” was exactly what you didn’t want us to do!
Daphne: [cracking up] That’s a good one.
Roz: It doesn’t even make sense. Listen, I don’t want to have a threesome with you. I never wanted to have a threesome with you, and I will not have a threesome with you! So quit bringing it up! [She leaves in a huff.]
Daphne: I think we went a little too far.
Niles: Not as far as she wanted to go. [They again begin to laugh hysterically. A bearded man in a leather jacket approaches them.]
Man: Excuse me.
Niles: Yes.
Man: I’m sorry, I couldn’t help overhearing, and as a fellow non-traditional sex enthusiast, our day will come. Here’s my card.
Niles: [taking the card between two fingers, as if it were toxic]Thank you.
Man: [as he exits] Oh, and by the way, a bunch of us get together over at the SeaTac Hyatt second Saturday of every month. And if you want to just tape your wife with another dude, that’s cool.

Frasier 10.3 - Proxy Prexy

Niles: Oh, hi Roz!
Roz: Hi!
Daphne: Poor thing had a bad date.
Niles: Oh, I’m sorry. Well, now that Daphne’s helping you to relax, do you want to join us in a little mélange? [Roz suddenly stiffens and has a very troubled, shocked look on her face. Daphne continues to massage her shoulders, and there is a pause.]
Roz: [weakly] What?
Daphne:You’ll love it.  Niles is amazing.
Roz: Wait, what are you saying?
Daphne: Unless you have other plans.
Roz: Well, I guess not, but…
Niles: [handing her the fruit salad] Than here you go.
Roz: [relieved] Oh. Fruit salad. Oh my God, I thought you said ménage! (they all laugh)
Niles: Well, the fruits do mix a little promiscuously.
Roz: I was thinking, “Oh my God, what are they saying?”
Niles: Rest assured, we would have offered you something more than fruit salad to get you in the mood. [They continue to laugh.]
Daphne: You know what? She didn’t say no.
Niles: You’re right, she didn’t.
Roz: It was only because it was so weird, I didn’t know what to say.
Daphne: Is that why?
Niles: I think someone has a little crush on us.
Roz: You wish.
Daphne: We know what you wish. [Niles laughs.]
Roz: Okay, Okay. Let’s talk about something else. What are you guys going to do this weekend?
Niles: You, if you get your way. (Roz becomes visibly irritated.]
Daphne: So, if we had have asked you, you would have said no?
Roz: Of course I would have.
Niles: I see, and what’s wrong with us?
Daphne: Do you find us unattractive?
Niles: Well, what if we wore masks?
Daphne: Oh, they’d have to be Nixon and Frankenstein.That’s all we’ve got.
Roz: All right, you guys! Stop it! I’m sorry I didn’t understand your little code word for fruit salad.

Frasier 10.3 - Proxy Prexy

Niles: Remember how excited we were at our first wedding?
Daphne: Yeah, we were both shaking.
Niles: Yeah.
Daphne: Hey, I noticed the first time you promised me your honesty and protection, but not the second time.
Niles: No, because I vowed to always be true and to be your constant champion. It’s the same thing.
Daphne: I suppose.
Niles: You liked it better the first way. [She nods.] Okay, we can go back to that.
Daphne: Thanks.
Niles: You making any changes?
Daphne: Nope, same old, same old.

Frasier 10.1 - The Ring Cycle

Niles: Did you find something?
Daphne: Do you think they’ll take soy sauce packets?
Gertrude: Who keeps ringing the doorbell?
Daphne: Shh! It’s trick or treaters. (The doorbell stops ringing, and Niles looks through the peephole.)
Niles: OK, they’re gone.
Gertrude: Well, why didn’t you let them in?
Daphne: Because someone forgot to get Halloween candy.
Niles: Although, someone else could have picked it up since she was already in the store.
Daphne: But, that would override the duty list that someone insisted on implementing. [Smiles at him. They kiss.]
Gertrude: If this is what you two call a fight, you’re not fit to be married.
 
Frasier 10.5 - Tales From The Crypt

Officiant:  You may exchange rings as a symbol of the promises you’ve made here today. [Niles and Daphne put the rings on each other’s fingers.]… By the power vested in me by the state of Nevada, county of Washoe and the all-new Lucky 7 Resort and Casino, I now pronounce you Husband and Wife. Good luck!

[He hits a switch and the recorded sounds of church bells are heard. He starts to leave, but pauses at the chapel door.]

Officiant:  Hey, don’t forget to check out our topless buffet. [He heads out.]
Niles: He never said “You may kiss the bride.”
Daphne: You may kiss the bride.

Frasier 10.1 - The Ring Cycle

Daphne: I, Daphne Moon, do take thee, Niles Crane, as my husband. I promise you my fidelity and my support, my laughter and my tears, my constant friendship and my unending love as long as we both shall live.
Niles:  I, Niles Crane, do take thee, Daphne Moon, as my wife. I vow to you my fidelity and my support, my honor and my respect, my honesty and my protection. You are my comfort, my joy, and my one true love. I will cherish you all the days of my life and treasure the journey that has brought us to this most wonderful perfect place.
Officiant: For most folks that’s one too many free cocktails, am I right?… Seriously, do you have the rings?
Niles: Oh, no. In our rush to get here, I completely forgot about them.
Daphne: Does this mean we can’t get married?
Officiant: It would, if we didn’t offer seven different wedding band packages for you to choose from. [He pulls a tray from beneath the podium.] Now, depending on your budget, we can offer you anything from the “B-Steel My Heart”, that’s genuine stainless right there, to the “Never Ending Love”, which can be returned for up to ninety days, no questions asked.

Frasier 10.1 - The Ring Cycle

velvet747:

He’s rich, and you don’t have to sleep with him. Rub it in, why don’t you?